There's no rhyme scheme here. Just raw emotion. Enjoy.
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I was a waste, devoid of life
But in your eyes, I was perfect
The rift in my heart deepened
Every time I looked into your eyes
Why couldn't you see
See how hopeless I was?
Your heart was set
Your love was pure
But I was shattered
Scarred from fear
I ran from your embrace
When all along it was what I craved
I was a fool
Living in agony, fleeing from love
Your loving touch
Your caring caress
Were what should have kept me together
Instead they were what tore me apart
So here I lay, alone under the stars
An empty feeling in my heart
This is how must be
In a lover's eyes
And a lion's den
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
I really fell what you are saying in the poem. the last stanza you wrote i connected with those lines this is a deep poem and I'd like to know if you have any more. You write poems that people can connect to. Like all others said punctuation can really impact the poem.
I love this. The lion's den could be the metaphor for love's cave. I mean love is a deep, dark emotion sometimes and it can be dangerous. Until you see your lover's eyes. Those eyes can set you free from the deep dark cave or den of love. Love is like a lion because it is fierce and it is strong. You ran away from it because you were scared of its presence...we all would. Well anyways this was beautiful. Sorry about the whole telling of my thoughts thing. Sometimes I get carried away.
Hahaha, yeah I placed it wrong. N00b's mistake won't happen again. It was late and I jsut had to get it out. Thanks for the crits, I appreciate it.
You are correct! This is just raw emotion Note: anyone who told you that poetry needs to rhyme to exist as poetry was lying to you
So it can be a complete poem without rhyming, but this isn't quite there yet. Like I said, this is stream-of-consciousness thought that provides a good baseline, but it still needs some cleaning up.
Take the images, for example:
This is good because it is a figurative image. There might feel like there's a rift in the narrator's heart, but physically, there's probably nothing wrong with him. However, this image could be better. Take advantage of what you've set up; what does it feel like for a heart's rift to deepen? How does that affect the narrator emotionally? Currently, I'm left to just accept the fact that this is something that has happened to the character; I am left to take for granted that it is something important, but not really told how that importance might continue. Images can be powerful things! Let them work for the poem.
Unless you have a good reason not to [a very good reason; not some offhanded statement about artistic license
Taking the same four lines as above, try to delve a little deeper. Expand and look closer at what you're getting at. To me, it looks like a generalized, blanket statement about two people, but to you, it probably means something more because you know the whole situation surrounding it. Clue us in a little.
These lines, again, are general and vague and don't really mean a whole lot to me. They sound nice enough; saying good things about love and the heart, but again, don't mean anything to me personally or to the poem as a whole. Always ask yourself "How?" "Why?" and you will find yourself getting closer to the heart of what you're expressing.
These, too, are generalities, but in a different way. Whereas the previous point about heart and love centered around general concepts about love and relationships between people, these lines above refer to one person, specifically the narrator. As such, they seem to count even less in the overall meaning. It's like deliberately withholding information, teasing the reader that you know more than they do. To really garner emotion from someone, you need to give them specifics so that they see the events along with you, and so that they, as a result, can feel the same and be able to empathize.
The rest of the poem is much of the same; blanket statements and generalities that we've seen a million times in poetry before and, still, can't relate to. It's not that we don't want to, it's just that there's not enough to relate to. Concentrate on specifics and concentrate on tightening up your images. Zoom in on metaphor, anything that isn't literal, because it's an especially strong way of expressing something that might not be able to be expressed in conventional literal ways. Overall, think of what this all really means to you, and don't be too afraid to hold anything back.
I was a waste, devoid of life
But in your eyes, I was perfect
The rift in my heart deepened
Every time I looked into your eyes
Why couldn't you see
See how hopeless I was? - Deep
Your heart was set
Your love was pure
But I was shattered
Scarred from fear
I ran from your embrace
When all along it was what I craved - Aww
I was a fool
Living in agony, fleeing from love
Your loving touch
Your caring caress
Were what should have kept me together
Instead they were what tore me apart
So here I lay, alone under the stars
An empty feeling in my heart
This is how must be
In a lover's eyes
And a lion's den
Wow. That was so deep, and the teenies, tiniest tiniest bit (TINIEST) stereotypical.
I SAID TINY.
I like this poem a lot. This looks like it should belong in lyric poetry though. Anyway you are a really really good poet. So KEEP WRITING!
Kind of cliche, but hey, it's passionate. And I agree with [person above me], punctuation can do wonders to the tone and overall effect of your poem.
I like it, but you should punctuate appropriately for better fluency.
i really like it but i don't know. i don't really understand the poem that well. I didnt get what you were driving at to me it seemed like words. But there are like a gazillion styles of poetry and my taste and your taste are probably really different.
i agree with the other person that this should have been put in the poetry section but other than that i loved it and i believe you should write another part of this except mabe in another way though but yes keep writing and i cant wait to see more
Um, I'm pretty sure this belongs in one of the poetry sections. Possibly lyric poetry? However, the title is captivating, however incorrectly it's categorized.